Author Archives: Diane
Storytelling Performances, 2013
*All venues are local (Washington, D.C.) unless noted.
Bare! True Stories of Sex, Desire and Romance
- February 2013: “The Lieber System” (Black Fox Lounge)
- August 2013: “The Fedora” (Black Fox Lounge)
- February 2013: Host, Story Contest: Sexuality (Busboys & Poets)
- April 2013: “The Bop-It – long version,” Story League Presents: Shocking Confessions (Black Cat)
- May 2013: “Mackinac Island – abbreviated version”, Story Contest: Gossip (Busboys & Poets)
- August 2013: “Thug Appeal,” Story League Sings 2: Bad Girls, (Black Cat)
- December 2013: “The Lieber System,” Story League All-Stars 2 (Black Cat)
- February 2013: “Asha Lawrence,” Doomed Valetine’s Show (Town Danceboutique)
- September 2013: “How to be an Adventure Gurl,” Back to School Show (Town Danceboutique)
8×8: 8 Performers, 8 Minutes Each
- February 2013: “The Bop-It” (Looking Glass Lounge)
- April 2013: “Survival Skills” (Looking Glass Lounge)
The Wonderland Circus
- April 2013: “Mackinac Island” (Wonderland Ballroom)
- April 2013: “Asha Lawrence” (92Y Tribeca, New York City)
- June 2013: “The Interntional House of Mancakes” (Town Danceboutique)
- August 2013: “The Lieber System,” AU Freshman Week (American University)
Perfect Liars Club
- October 2013: “Lesbian Batman Erotica” (Science Club)
- October 2013: “Bed Bug Bingo” (The Dunes)
Tiger’s Blood Theater
- November 2013: “Mackinac Island” (The Comedy Spot, Ballston, Virginia)
I’ve been painting my own nails for the past two months because I spent $60 on Crimson Peak-themed nail polish in November. I rarely paint my own nails at home (I get gel manicures from the salon or I do those Sally Hansen nail stickers), so this was a purchase based almost entirely on fangirl enthusiasm and caffeine. You can sell me almost anything if it represents a fictional character I love, because in my mind, it puts me just that much closer to actually being them. (“Maybe if I buy Claire’s necklace from Jurassic World, Chris Pratt will show up to rescue me from dinosaurs!” I wish I were kidding. I’m not.)
Painting my own nails got me thinking about one of my favorite things (besides finding ways to work fictional clothing and accessories into my office wardrobe): themed nail polish collections. Whenever I go to the salon, I spend an unnecessary amount of time picking a color because not only do I have to like the color, I have to agree with the theme implied in the color’s ridiculous/long/punny name. I can’t walk around for two weeks with nails in “California Girl Pink.” That’s not on-brand for me.
OPI has created some collections that definitely work for me. For instance, I’ve worn almost every color in the James Bond collection. MAC had a romance novel themed makeup line a few years ago with a couple of nail polishes as well. But I still don’t feel like people are catering to my specific interests enough. So I created my own (completely fake, as of now) nail polish collection based on my love for romance in adventure stories of all sorts (I don’t care if it’s historical, science fiction, superhero, etc. If there’s romance, I will watch it).
I present: “Here for the Romance,” an eight-bottle themed collection featuring a color for each of my favorite romance tropes.
A pearl white to represent all the high heels worn in the jungle, desert, or other completely unsuitable environment. Haters gonna hate, this is an iconic part of all adventure romances.
It’s not a true adventure romance without at least one scene in which you have to bandage your crush’s arm or maybe even give them stitches. This pink-based nude is great as a pedicure to show off your twisted ankle.
A Little Illegal
Your crush has a sketchy past, or perhaps their current “career” is less than reputable. They’ll likely use these skills at some point during your adventure and you’ll have to act like you’re appalled even though you’re into it. This fuschia can help.
You have one, your crush has one, your boss has one, etc. Whether you’re having feelings about how hard it is to lead a double life or wondering why the person you’re into keeps disappearing mid-conversation, this wine-colored shade will keep your nails on point even when your life is a mess.
Where’s the Map?
You’re probably storing the map somewhere on your person, or maybe you are the map, or maybe you’re not even aware that the box/key/other ancient object is a map. But the map leads to riches and glory, and someone’s always after it, so paint your nails in gold glitter just in case you lose out on the treasure.
Hotter When Dirty
You can wear this rich taupe color when you’re covered in dirt/blood/dinosaur poo but you still look amazing. Your crush perhaps looks EVEN BETTER after 15 hours in peril. Don’t ask, it’s science.
“Any time a man shows a woman how to do something from behind, it’s just an excuse to get real close and breathe on her neck.” – Nick Miller, New Girl. A duo-chrome polish that vacillates between eggplant and forest green for when someone needs to teach you how to throw a punch, shoot a gun, or swing a sword.
For the Money
The super hot person you just hired as a guide/detective/bodyguard only agreed to help you because they need money. They’ll keep telling you they’re only here for that money while they save your life, sexily tend your wounds, and get all up in your personal space while teaching you to defend yourself. Don’t worry, you’ll fall in love and never wind up paying them anyway, so go ahead and splurge on this rich green color.
Remember when the whole class was your valentine? Picking out the perfect valentines and finding the best one for each classmate was a right of passage in American elementary schools everywhere. You wanted to show your interests, but not get too weird with it. And you’d rather send the super romantic ones to your female BFF than to the weird kid who puts ranch dressing and jelly beans on his pizza.
Inspired by a recent Google search (OK in all honesty, I was looking for Jurassic World valentines to buy for myself but THEY DON’T HAVE ONES WITH OWEN AND CLAIRE which is a fucking travesty), here’s my personal ranking of those infamous 90s valentines, from best/coolest to worst/weirdest. Shout out to these two Buzzfeed posts for the images.
Best: Lisa Frank
Best: Lion King
Popular girls who wanted to become veterinarians or marine biologists or to save the manatees.
Socially Acceptable: Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, or Aladdin
Future basic bitches of America (probably multiple girls in your class sent the same set of cards, leaving you with three identical copies of Belle holding a rose).
Socially Acceptable: Barbie, Cute Animals, or Lesser Disney Princesses
Basic bitches whose parents took them out of town to shop for valentines, thus broadening their options.
Cool or Uncool, Depending on the Sender: Cartoons (Power Rangers, Animaniacs, Sailor Moon, My Little Pony, Care Bears, etc.)
True individualists! The future anime fans definitely sent Sailor Moon cards, less stereotypically “girly” girls went for the more gender neutral cartoons, and others nursed 80s obsessions inherited from older siblings that, while not producing new media, were still going strong into the 90s.
Best: Michael Jordan (in ‘Space Jam’ or otherwise)
Best: Shaq and other big-time athletes
The popular boys who took dodge ball way too seriously.
Socially Acceptable: Jurassic Park
The equivalent of the high-end Disney Princess (every little boy had the same red lunchbox featuring the t-rex chase scene).
Cool or Uncool, Depending on the Sender: Superheroes and classic “boy” cartoons (Power Rangers, Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, anything featuring an ensemble of muscled creatures)
Still a socially acceptable choice, but less common than velociraptors.
Uncool/Just Weird: Gross-out cards
Probably something featuring bugs (Creepy Crawlies!), monsters (Ahh! Real Monsters), or Ren & Stimpy; these were the weirdo boys you didn’t want to be paired up with during square-dancing in music class.
Uncool/Confusing: The Youngest Child
What even IS this?
A gender-neutral bonus category! When not treated to a new set of My Little Pony or Transformers valentines, this kid with either thrifty or uninterested parental units (uninterested in Valentine’s Day, I’m sure your parent[s] love you!) wound up either recycling extra cards from an older sibling featuring pop culture references from 2-5 years ago (things like California Raisins, Rainbow Brite, Garbage Pail Kids, etc.) or buying the dollar store version of new cards with offbrand characters or generic designs (the equivalent of your parents buying grocery store brand cereal). These were puzzling but interesting cards to receive. Sometimes you had to ask someone to explain them to you.
Supreme: The McDonald’s Sundae
If you were very lucky, one person in your class would order 30 “free sundae” coupons from McDonald’s and give these out instead, finally giving your health-conscious parent an indisputable reason to take you to McDonald’s. This kid rules.