I’ve been painting my own nails for the past two months because I spent $60 on Crimson Peak-themed nail polish in November. I rarely paint my own nails at home (I get gel manicures from the salon or I do those Sally Hansen nail stickers), so this was a purchase based almost entirely on fangirl enthusiasm and caffeine. You can sell me almost anything if it represents a fictional character I love, because in my mind, it puts me just that much closer to actually being them. (“Maybe if I buy Claire’s necklace from Jurassic World, Chris Pratt will show up to rescue me from dinosaurs!” I wish I were kidding. I’m not.)
Painting my own nails got me thinking about one of my favorite things (besides finding ways to work fictional clothing and accessories into my office wardrobe): themed nail polish collections. Whenever I go to the salon, I spend an unnecessary amount of time picking a color because not only do I have to like the color, I have to agree with the theme implied in the color’s ridiculous/long/punny name. I can’t walk around for two weeks with nails in “California Girl Pink.” That’s not on-brand for me.
OPI has created some collections that definitely work for me. For instance, I’ve worn almost every color in the James Bond collection. MAC had a romance novel themed makeup line a few years ago with a couple of nail polishes as well. But I still don’t feel like people are catering to my specific interests enough. So I created my own (completely fake, as of now) nail polish collection based on my love for romance in adventure stories of all sorts (I don’t care if it’s historical, science fiction, superhero, etc. If there’s romance, I will watch it).
I present: “Here for the Romance,” an eight-bottle themed collection featuring a color for each of my favorite romance tropes.
A pearl white to represent all the high heels worn in the jungle, desert, or other completely unsuitable environment. Haters gonna hate, this is an iconic part of all adventure romances.
It’s not a true adventure romance without at least one scene in which you have to bandage your crush’s arm or maybe even give them stitches. This pink-based nude is great as a pedicure to show off your twisted ankle.
A Little Illegal
Your crush has a sketchy past, or perhaps their current “career” is less than reputable. They’ll likely use these skills at some point during your adventure and you’ll have to act like you’re appalled even though you’re into it. This fuschia can help.
You have one, your crush has one, your boss has one, etc. Whether you’re having feelings about how hard it is to lead a double life or wondering why the person you’re into keeps disappearing mid-conversation, this wine-colored shade will keep your nails on point even when your life is a mess.
Where’s the Map?
You’re probably storing the map somewhere on your person, or maybe you are the map, or maybe you’re not even aware that the box/key/other ancient object is a map. But the map leads to riches and glory, and someone’s always after it, so paint your nails in gold glitter just in case you lose out on the treasure.
Hotter When Dirty
You can wear this rich taupe color when you’re covered in dirt/blood/dinosaur poo but you still look amazing. Your crush perhaps looks EVEN BETTER after 15 hours in peril. Don’t ask, it’s science.
“Any time a man shows a woman how to do something from behind, it’s just an excuse to get real close and breathe on her neck.” – Nick Miller, New Girl. A duo-chrome polish that vacillates between eggplant and forest green for when someone needs to teach you how to throw a punch, shoot a gun, or swing a sword.
For the Money
The super hot person you just hired as a guide/detective/bodyguard only agreed to help you because they need money. They’ll keep telling you they’re only here for that money while they save your life, sexily tend your wounds, and get all up in your personal space while teaching you to defend yourself. Don’t worry, you’ll fall in love and never wind up paying them anyway, so go ahead and splurge on this rich green color.