February 21, 2001: The Laws of Physics

Gym class with David B. was the most awkward thing ever.

First of all, even in the dead of winter, the gym was always about 100 degrees. It’s hard to look sexy when you’re forever wiping sweat away from your forehead, while your carefully-placed body glitter melts in the heat.

Another problem was my wardrobe. At least 70 percent of my clothing was black, leading to all-black gym ensembles that were the opposite of comfortable. Because I was desperate to maintain my over-accessorized punk chic aesthetic, I refused to take off my jewelery, leading to numerous occasions where I almost killed another runner as my paperclip necklace flew off my neck. I know, more than once, I almost stabbed people in the eye with errant jewelry.

It didn’t help that the most popular athletic pants in the late 90s were of the saggy, bulky, swishy variety. I will never forget the sound of 30 pairs of black Adidas swooshy pants circling an indoor track. I don’t know how kids in the 90s ever sneaked up on anyone. You could hear people coming a mile away. Between swooshy pants and windbreakers, we were pretty much fucked in terms of secrecy. I remember trying to make sure my pants had the appropriate amount of sag, and that I observed the proper shoes-to-pants ratio. (Which, for girls, was about 1/4 shoe to 3/4 pants. Only the top of your shoes should be visible beneath your bellbottoms/track pants. For boys, the further down your ass your pants could be, the better.)

gym outfit

This paperclip necklace is by Martin Margiela. Mine was pilfered from Mrs. Brion's office supplies cabinet.

I remember a lot of sweaty, awkward, hormonally-charged moments in gym. One in particular will always stand out in my mind. We were playing volleyball, the only sport I didn’t completely suck at. I had decent aim and hand-eye coordination, and it didn’t require any running (always the bane of my existence). I was on a team with Cherry and Lisa, and we were scrimmaging against some of the unpopular girls.

I was poised to send back a serve from one of the Stefanies, when I noticed David B. walking on the other side of the court. Pretty much any time he entered my general radius, I became awe-struck. It’s like I had this sixth sense about where he was in relation to me, and I was always trying to remember my most basic functions should be cross my path. That day, I remember him strutting past us, stopping to high-five one of his friends. He stopped, ran one hand through his brown bowl cut, turned, and shot me one of his famous half-smiles.

I completely missed the serve. The over-inflated school-issued volleyball landed square on my hand, right on the last joint of my right thumb.

I couldn’t properly move that thumb for weeks.

It was awesome.


Dear Diary,

Today i was talking to Kit online. I told her about David and she said that I should ask him out. Also, she said that she noticed the chemistry between us. And that she noticed how strongly we reacted to each other from the first day of class! I’m glad that someone else noticed this. S and S are completely oblivious to the whole thing. I’m just really confused about everything, I’m so lost, I don’t know what to do!

Sometimes I feel like I want to kiss him, and other times I want to hit him. It is so——————————————> weird. With RF, it was never like this. Actually, it kinda was, but more like a “good friends” thing than a flirting thing. How can I, Diane Lorraine, like David? C’mon he’s some boring old (home town) boy! He’s certainly no Treize Khushrenada, or any smart, cool, and confident world leader. Instead of a Lady Une x Treize, it’s more like Han Solo x Princess Leia, with occasional Gene x Melfina moments. It’s a strange kind of “every reaction has an equal and opposite reaction” deal. Mostly we disagree, and flirt like that. But then we have these sweet lapses when no one else is around, in which we have quiet talks.

When we interact, it’s like we pay attention to nothing else but each other. Austin, Elliot, Dustin and Neal are my buddies, but we never react that way.

OK, I’ll be honest, some of this was hard to type. Especially the parts where I compare my romance with David B. to other fictional couples. Good Lord. (I believe Gene and Melfina are from the anime Outlaw Star in case anyone was wondering/cared, which I am sure you weren’t/don’t.)

Everything I learned about sexual tension, I learned from Han and Leia. I’m not sure if this makes me really awesome, or really lame, but there it is. At 14, I truly believed that they, along with my fiction OTP (“one true pairing” for those of you who didn’t spend their teen years reading fanfiction on the internet) Rhett and Scarlett, were the perfect couple.

I also like where I’m too lazy to write out all the o’s in “so” so I just draw a line indicating the level to which I am frustrated.

As I’ve said before, I think it’s funny that all a dude has to do to garner my interest is be a douchebag. It’s funny, because this continues to be true today. Though it’s interesting to note that the first guy I ever dated did not banter with me until much later in the relationship.

That particular banter didn’t even happen until a strange, end-of-summer week where we hadn’t been able to spend any time alone. He had friends visiting, and I had emptied my bedroom (including the bed) in anticipation of moving. We ended up airing our sexual tension at the local all-night diner in the form of a loud, long, ridiculous argument in front of all our friends. The argument was resolved with us running outside and kissing.

It was awesome.

About Diane

Hey, I'm Diane! I'm a writer and storyteller, currently living in Washington, D.C. From a self-composed how-to guide on being an adventure heroine, to an obsessive college crush on the vaguely-Harrison-Ford-resembling editor of the college newspaper, to sundry forays into erotic, historical fanfiction, my material comes from the tragic yet hilarious place where fangirl obsession meets modern reality. I like thrifting, watching NBC comedies, and getting emotional about fiction.

Posted on November 9, 2009, in The Diary Project and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. I loved Outlaw Star. I still have the DVDs because I am too lazy to sell the set.

  2. “I have five minutes. What are you going to do about it?” IT WILL NEVER GET OLD.

    Diane, please never change. I don’t know what life would be like without your chandelier earrings and levels of being attracted to men.

  3. Best/worst diary entry to date. My favorite part was the “—————>” at the end of “so.” Junior high shorthand FTW.

  4. “He’s certainly no Treize Khushrenada, or any smart, cool, and confident world leader.”

    HAHAHHA I DON’T EVEN. I also enjoy that you called yourself Diane Lorraine. You were really trying to work that southern belle thing, huh?

  5. Polly Burnette-Egan

    “How can I, Diane Lorraine, like David? C’mon he’s some boring old (home town) boy!” Yeah how could you?! lol I’m enjoying this far too much. It feels like a special treat to read your junior high journal. It feel so wrong, but I don’t need to feel guilty.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: